The Cardboard Brownie Protest

cardboard brownieI’m not sure why you do it.

Maybe it’s a desperate attempt to convince yourself that what you are eating is good.

You concoct some healthy recipe, take a pretty picture of it, and loudly proclaim to the rest of us dear dieting souls, “This is SOOOO GOOD!” You share the recipe, we see it and hope wells up within us…

That does look good! Maybe this diet is doable after all!

Sixteen expensive oddball ingredients later, our taste buds have been brutally devastated by the crushing reality that your “amazing” recipe was in fact, well-photographed sawdust.

Your catastrophe… I mean….*recipe* just made the journey seem so much harder. Cardboard flavored cake doesn’t make me feel like I can do this for the long haul. Isn’t that the point of sharing a healthy recipe? You want others to see that it’s possible to have good food and still lose weight… You want to show people that “Hey! Changing your diet for LIFE is achievable! Here’s a DELICIOUS brownie so you don’t have to go without them until you die!”

Only… your brownie is not delicious.

It will not hit the spot.  It will not remove my craving. It will not replace the utter delight of consuming half a pan of the real thing.

I mean, I think I get it. If pretending cauliflower is indecipherable from white potatoes helps you psychologically bear the torture… that’s great.  But don’t tell me that it tastes like potatoes when it actually tastes like you are eating a fart.

Mashed Farts smallerCan we be real for a second?

I’m making lifestyle changes. Big ones. Ones I intend to hold onto for life. I’m revamping everything about the way I eat to find a road back to sound and stable health. I’m chiseling myself out of the lard I’ve buried myself in for the past 3 years. I’m making DRASTIC strides toward my well-being.

I want to have more kids one day, but I want to carry a child and not have to worry that I will die before it is over. I’d like to see if healthy improvements will help my brain, heart and liver heal after the catastrophes they experienced in 2016. I’d like to avoid an emergency c-section, premature birth, pre-eclampsia, gestational diabetes, blood transfusions, heart failure and strokes this next go around. I’d like to know how it feels to not have either a follow-up, a specialist appointment, a test or a surgery every week or two of my life.

Y’all,  I’m 28 years old. My life shouldn’t be like this.

I have hope though, that it doesn’t have to be anymore.

I believe that God created food to be healing, and I’m exploring all kinds of new things.  I’m looking for ways to make this achievable when temptation strikes. If you have a recipe that I can turn to when I’m grieving the permanent departure of whoopee pies from my life,  or a worthy brownie recipe for my endless chocolate cravings, or a good alternative to chocolate chip cookies… I WOULD LOVE to see your comparable recipes…

If they are actually good.

If they actually taste remotely similar to their delicious counterparts abandoned mercilessly by the wayside.

If they aren’t, can you just … not share?

Can you quit pretending that it tastes good when cardboard would be a more accurate description?

trash brownies

Will you quit calling it light and fluffy when dense-as-a-clump-of-mud is the truth?

Seriously.

This week I used my $11 almond flour to make pumpkin cookies that tasted as good as licking my driveway, chocolate chip cookies that would have been delicious if I was a cow that enjoyed chowing on straw, and chocolate drop cookies that made tears drop from eyes. I used heaps of costly gelatin in gummies that smelled like the leaking rear end of a decaying pig, and I used expensive sweeteners in hot cocoa that tasted like it may have been derived from an unflushed toilet.

It doesn’t bother me to buy special ingredients to expand my horizons and discover doable treats for times of weakness. All things considered, $11 is a co-pay I could potentially eliminate if I can make this work.

What bothers me is when you waste my time, effort, and money on something that will only cause discouragement.

It’s not courteous to thrust something upon us and declare that it’s as good as the real thing, when one bite screams that you must be suffering from amnesia.

Do you not remember what divine goodness was derived from white floured and REAL sugared baking? 

I don’t remember a single one that tasted like toilet paper and hamster shavings.

Maybe you could do us a favor.  Before you cast it out there, maybe you could get a couple unbiased taste-testers. Maybe you could seek out objective second opinions.

BKS06-2I’m in this for the long haul. I’ve got a whole list of new things I want to try so I can reap all of the wonderful benefits from the foods God has created. You’d be impressed with the list of veggies I have ushered into my life in the last few weeks. I’ve found some real gems. An honorable pizza replacement, a couple of dependable cookbooks, like the one to the left, a few good blogs I can count on for honesty. I’ve bought expensive ingredients that I don’t regret. I love coating my veggies in my MCT oil or putting a dash in my broccoli soup. I really like my whey protein in shakes. I enjoy my collagen whipped into smoothies. I’ve found fantastic uses for my sweeteners.

I plan on doing this thing.

But for all of us frustrated dieters seeking friendly alternatives for rebellious cravings…

It would help if you’d just be honest.

Tell us it’s nothing like real cake.

There’s nothing wrong with saying, “For diet food… this is pretty decent.”

Don’t get our hopes up by saying “You can’t even tell the difference!” if it isn’t true. Tell us that the noodle replacements are slimy, that the crackers get soggy, that the almond flour makes it bitter and heavy, that the chocolate ‘chips’ are merely brown stains after baking, that the Truvia in large amounts will give us diarrhea, that the creamy herb chicken is actually curdled herb chicken, that okra is NOT undetectable in ice cream…

By all means, share those recipes! We couldn’t succeed without you peppering Pinterest with the plethora of ideas you give us!

But before you post… remember…

A disappointing recipe can have devastating effects on the will-power of someone trying to make healthy changes. With time those discouragements will layer into failure.

But a good recipe can be the cause of tremendous encouragement, propelling people on to victory.

You can help…. or you can hinder.

But if you can help lift the burden of impossibility so many of us battle everyday…

You’ll be an invaluable treasure to all of us.

signature-Rebecca-Pruett

 

 

 

*Have a tried and true Trim Healthy Mama compatible favorite? Post a link in the comments!*